Monday, June 13, 2011

The Bachelorette can't get over him

Therese is actually having a life this week so here is my feeble attempt to fill her noble heels.

We open in Los Angeles where Ashley decides there is just no getting over Bentley; she still misses and thinks about him. So it's time for a fresh start. Back in the mansion where no one is in the pool shirtless, Chris shows up to explain the facts; three dates, two are one on one and one group date. He explains the risks and rewards again for the first time viewers. BUT! BUT! There will be no date today. Ashley has to put thousands of miles between Los Angeles and herself and Bentley so they are going to the land of Tsunamis Phuket! In two hours guys, get packing! (Chris snaps the whip and the guys break into chest bumps. Thailand! Woo hoo!)

Ashley is already there walking on the beach realizing she can't run (or fly) from her problems. She imagines Bentley there walking next to her on the sand. She goes to some kind of activity booking center looking for date ideas. "I'm here with 12 guys and they're HOT!" (and one just in her mind.) She's never been to Thailand. (I think she's only been outside the states because of this show.) Wombat took all the other good countries, but left this one for the third runner up.

First date is with Constantine, whom we know nothing about.
Constantine! One of my favorite Keanu Reeves movies. Come to think of it, this is dating purgatory. Constantine looks like that wine guy (Ben) but has a bigger nose. I hope she wasn't thinking it was the wine guy and it turned out to be the restaurant owner. They're set to go out on a boat ("sea Phuket") get it? sea? get it? haha ...
But alas there's a major storm and the captain assures them that they will fall out of the boat, so they go walk around town and try on hats and scarves, every guy's dream date. They pick some old random dude to talk to who doesn't speak English and get advice, and some random westernized local to translate. "Don't try to win." Great advice for a reality competition.

Constantine acknowledges that Bentley's leaving must have been hard. He asks her how she says positive about this?

Have strength... be honest... stay positive... C'mon you were expecting something deeper? Not, "I crawled in bed with my clothes on and cried for hours til there was nothing left to cry about." Ashley was upset the boat trip was canceled because it would have gotten her mind off of... guess who.

Their date was so blasé it seems like they only spent 2 minutes on the whole thing, airtime. Constantine is happy and doesn't mind the boat trip was cancelled. Constantine is able to separate the event excitement from relational excitement! He enjoys just doing normal stuff. There's two normal dates in a row. At least for this one she wasn't in pajamas.

Guys are thinking Constantine is going to put the moves on Ashley. Who has kissed Ashley? "Everyone's going after the same piece of fruit! Gotta be patient." (JP is bothered by this news.) "This isn't normal for me!" Um, dude, you're on a reality show, and you expected normal?

Back to the date... relationship history... he's had fears! afraid of getting hurt and getting deep. Realized has to be more open and love deeper. Is this the first go round... he rolls eyes... no she's probably #15 this year, but he's not about to let that truth come out.

Hopeless Ashley (her words, not mine) is hopeful again. Yay! Let's play in the water. Yay! I wish you were Bentley, but you're not. Yay!

Ashley says her mind is more open now but she's still thinking about Bentley because she says she's not going to think about him.

Next date is a group date to help orphan victims from the 2004 Tsunami. I digress but I created a Tsunami Museum with a proffessor at Western that raised all kinds of money to help victims rebuild. For my thanks, I'm getting laid off. Not til November but still. Anyone need a graphic and web designer with a quarter century of experience?

With Bentley out they need to find another guy to pick on ... now it's Ryan. He's micromanaging everything. Needs to back off. Winemaker decides to paint and makes a mural to separate himself from the herd. He can't paint, but it's a cute idea and the kids don't seem to care.

Why does Ashley keep putting her hands together and bowing slightly? Are they in Japan? I have been to Thailand and China but I didn't see that. Is that protocol?

It's still raining. It hasn't stopped since they landed. You'd think they were in the Pacific Northwest. In July.

Ben F. played soccer with the kids. I missed that! Wish they'd showed it. Ben seems surprised that Ashley hints she likes him.
Ashley is getting back on the horse. And she goes in for the kiss! I think he will get the rose.

Guys are irritated with Ryan because he has leadership qualities and they are jealous.
Ashley asks Ryan about Personalities. He thinks he's getting along well with the guys.
Ryan feels for Ashley and thinks she is beautiful, but it's about what is inside.
Big rose on table. Guys don't want Ryan to get rose again. But there is heavy speculation. Some will wonder what they are doing there if Ryan gets the group date rose.

Oh God Ashley still talking about getting over Bentley. (Would you please drop it already? Pretty please?) She's worried about JP. He seemed standoffish. Probably from learning that she's kissed other guys. What about the orphan kids? she asks JP. Changed his life forever, put everything in perspective. Says the pajama party was the perfect date and he was still thinking about it. Goes in for the kiss! Hope no one in the house has oral herpes. Magical kisses, best ones buy far. JP is sexy. But he picks her up and takes her into the sea. He's making everyone else jealous!

Date card! Mystery envelope. Ames is hopeful. And it's Mr. 5-head!

Ashley is about to give away the rose and Ryan steals her away. Oh mr rulebreaker! Further getting on everyone's nerves. He just wants to have more conversations. Guys think he's rude.

She goes on about conversations. Ben the winemaker gets the group date rose! I was right! JP is having a hard time with this.

Finally! A pool party! They don't zoom in on any nipples. Damn them!

Ames as been to Phuket alone and it finally stops raining for their date. They get into a yacht and start sipping some cocktails. He came there before to climb mountains and do cooking school, went spontaneously and was the only non-Thai student. Last minute is the best minute. Ashley thinks he's spontaneous and grounded at the same time. They motor to those weird islands with the overhanging rocks and what, no bouldering? Perfect place to climb without a rope! Such disparity. Wombat would have had them jumping off the tops of one of those islands. Instead they're in a two-man ducky and go through some drippy caves. "Navigating these beautiful caves is like navigating a relationship. Around the corner you don't know what to expect but then there's something beautiful. " When do the cliches stop? "When you look up you can see the filming copter sky, I can't even talk to her because there's so much to look at."

Where did all that food come from? Now they're having a picnic on the beach.

Ashley is looking for devotion, #1. Ames is looking for open mindedness and spontaneity or for someone to understand it. OH NO she cannot get through even one date without mentioning Bentley! At least she didn't mention him to Ames, but in the voiceover. "I would have overlooked Ames if Bentley were still here."

How did that guy cast such a spell? Single guys out there, go and watch the first episode and second at hulu for some tips. Helps to be really good looking, too, or, something.

(This is a lot of work. Therese I have a whole new appreciation for your blog. But please don't ever have a life again.)

Oh God there she mentions Bentley again in the voiceover. Twice! I wish I were keeping a tally. I bet she's used his name 15 times by now.

Ames thinks she looks beautiful and is smart and really wants the rose. They talk about being a nerd and having nerdy things in their apartments. If you could change one thing about growing up what would it be? She's want to be less isolated and have kids in a more diverse area, expose her kids to more things than she was exposed to. Ames says something about both having been in interesting places, but he doesn't have a list, just a feeling. Major evolutionary step to throw out the list. (So yeah, don't have any standards, date me!) Ames accepts the rose, but doesn't kiss her!

Time for the rose ceremony. And it's only 9:25 pm. Are they going to drag this out for 30 minutes? Surprises around every corner. Okay they're have a cocktail party, so she pulls West aside. His wife died and she wants to make sure he's ready for a relationship. "Um... it takes awhile." But he assures her she is not going to be filling his ex's shoes. I'm guessing his ex didn't wear tube socks.

She pulls aside another guy I have no idea who he is, but he's divorced and dating all kinds of different people. Just likes having a good time. How do you keep the passion alive? He's the kind of guy who never gives up on anything... but wait, his marriage had no passion. So.

Some guys confront Ryan and he just doesn't get it. Ashley takes him aside. The guys want her to see the intense, annoying side. He seems to happy all the time. "I'm bursting with a lot of love in my chest." "This is the real me." So what, now Ryan is the villain? He's just a happy guy! Happy Happy Joy Joy! Full of energy and love for life! He never sleeps! He doesn't have a problem with any of the guys!

Okay, NOW time for the rose ceremony. But there's still 20 minutes left of this show. They're going to drag this out as long as inhumanely possible, I mean only half of this time segment will be commercials.

Chris comes in to consult with Ashley and it's raining again. She had a much better week, favorite group date so far. A week ago Chris has to remind her and everyone about Bentley. Has she put it past her? No she's still hung up and wonders "what could have been." Feels like there is something more there... dot dot dot no closure? thinks door is still open. Gads girl, get a freaking CLUE. She still thinks there was all this wonderful potential. That thinking girl, will make you insane. Everything has potential but almost nothing lives up. Oh now she wants to add a rose to the ceremony. That will make it an extra bummer for that one guy who doesn't get the rose. I mean, not getting a rose is one thing, but being the ONLY ONE when there was supposed to be TWO... killer. I do not envy West (my guess) that guy.

Chris says Expect the unexpected. So she asked him for the favor of another rose. Which means, (for those who are math-challenged) only ONE of you will be leaving tonight. Gee, I could have sworn that meant three people were leaving. Huh.

First rose: Lucas (who?)
Second rose: Ryan
Third rose: JP
Fourth rose: Nick
Fifth rose: Mickey (who?)
Sixth rose: Blake
Seventh rose: William
Eighth rose: not the widower West

West walks out with his chin up and goes on about putting it all out there for the first time since his wife died. Had a great thing with is wife but at least he had it.

In the previews for next week's show, Bentley makes an appearance. Ugh. WTH?


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